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Literature Text
your presence irritates me
I feel your eyes constantly upon me, even when your back is turned
I hear the insult underneath your kind words
I fear your unasked questions
your silent hatred consumes my heart
I realize that it's all in my head, but that doesn't make it any less real
it's not your fault
I know you don't hate me
but I still feel the hatred coming from you
except it's coming from me
I'm projecting my darkest and most hate-filled self onto others
so that it may hate under disguise
it's not you that hates me, it's me that hates me
I hate myself
you're not the one staring at me constantly, I am
I'm the one questioning my own actions
doubting my own accomplishments
maybe I can beat the Eyeless Stare
if I open my eyes to see what's really there...
I feel your eyes constantly upon me, even when your back is turned
I hear the insult underneath your kind words
I fear your unasked questions
your silent hatred consumes my heart
I realize that it's all in my head, but that doesn't make it any less real
it's not your fault
I know you don't hate me
but I still feel the hatred coming from you
except it's coming from me
I'm projecting my darkest and most hate-filled self onto others
so that it may hate under disguise
it's not you that hates me, it's me that hates me
I hate myself
you're not the one staring at me constantly, I am
I'm the one questioning my own actions
doubting my own accomplishments
maybe I can beat the Eyeless Stare
if I open my eyes to see what's really there...
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This is a startlingly poignant attempt at describing what it's like having social anxiety - the feeling of always being judged. And even as intelligent as I am - being able to recognize that my fears are unfounded, my paranoia unjustified - it doesn't change the way that I feel. I know it's ridiculous to think that everybody is constantly criticizing me, even when they're being friendly to me, but even if that's true, my body and mind still reacts to the idea of that criticism, as if it were real. Knowing that isn't enough to change it.
© 2018 - 2024 zharth
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